Why-ris? W.H.O.-ris? New phone, who dis?

“Man, I had forgotten how bright the sun was”, I thought, as I crawled out of my cave under the rock. No, I wasn’t in hiding. I had somehow managed to lock myself in my secret lair. Over the past few years, I managed to build a piece of metal that perfectly matched this other piece of metal I had that opened the door to the lair. But that’s a story for another day.

As my eyes adjusted to the bright light, my cravings for a delicious meal started growing. Imagine being locked in with limited supplies and no food delivery. Go ahead. I bet you can’t.

I looked around, on this April afternoon and was surprised to see, what was usually a bustling marketplace, completely deserted – both devoid of human presence and blistering hot. “Must be a public holiday or another strike” I thought, as I plugged in my earphones and scrolled through my playlist to find a suiting soundtrack for the moment. My search for food had begun with music in my ear - “I walk a lonely road, the only road that I have ever known….”

But alas, that’s all that played, because I forgot to charge them. “Stupid Bluetooth things!” I yelled in frustration, but was also quite content that I got to walk to that one line of the song. Full feels I tell you. By now, my phone had caught Vodaphony network and was buzzing as it received 10,000 Whatsapp messages, 15 million SMSs for insurance, mutual funds and something that looked like a push to download a government app. “Aaanndd, swipe to dismiss. Let’s find me some food.”

My body was still adapting to the sudden sensory overload, but I was pretty sure that I could hear voices around. Multiple voices. But they all seemed to Zoom around, saying the same thing. “CAN YOU HEAR ME?” I wondered what happened while I was locked in. Was this now a ghost town filled with deaf ghosts?

I quickly reached for my phone to check the news app to find out what was happening. Waiting 5 minutes for the ads to load on my trusty cellular data connection, I closed it and decided to go to the next best source. Whatsapp!

Scrolling through the 10,00,000 messages now, I saw something about India’s biggest and longest celebration being cancelled – the IPL. I also glanced at some negative thoughts towards bats. Voila! I put them together. Why was everyone turning against Cricket bats? Did Kohli break all records and with it, the sport itself?

I decided to check with my friend, an expert on the subject to see what was up. “Hey Batman!” I said, as the person on the other side of the call answered. But I realised that it wasn’t Batman, when a woman replied, “Sorry, Batman is not available for comment. I didn’t know the bat personally nor has ever met it” It was his PR team working frantically to clean-up some mess.

I then decided to slow things down as I tried to recall the messages I skimmed through on my phone. Accolades for India. Multiple satellite images of India during Diwali. Good morning messages. Indian National Anthem declared BeSt In WoRlD by UNESCO. Something saying ‘Real heroes don’t wear capes’, and was thankful that while I had forgotten my cape at my hideout, I was still meeting the latest superhero fashion guidelines.

But just then, it struck me! What if India is paying UNESCO for these awards? I noted it down as something to investigate later.

Right now, there are more pressing issues in hand. I managed to get a hold of the latest newspaper.  I was stunned by what I read. A virus had taken over the world. And the only way to stop it was to wear a mask, social distancing, no handshakes and regular washing of hands. “I’m doing all of this anyway. Except for the handwashing bit”, I thought.

Everything around started making sense now as I started walking back to my hideout.

It’s been 15 days since this incident and I’ve not been able to digest what’s happening in the world. I think about what the future holds for the world. One thought keeps me up at night - If everyone wears a mask, will thieves start robbing without masks?

This is SuperCraig signing out, reminding you to do your bit to reduce the effects of this pandemic.

And remember, two’s company but three’s the start of a contagion.

Mr. Pope-ular

It’s been a while hasn’t it? Between all the fighting crime and losing my watch with a little train on it, I have lost all track of time. But this reminds me of something. Something strange but yet, fascinating. But more on that later.

For now, I will tell you about the smoke and the chimney. You remember that MTV Bakra gag, where one person looks up, at nothing, and gets curious people passing by to look at what he’s looking at? Well, that same thing seems to be happening in the Vatican. This one person started looking at the chimney of the Sixteenth Chapel, and immediately, thousands gathered around him to see what was going on.

My job was to find this no-good doer and scold him. Why would someone do such a thing, I asked myself as I wandered amongst the upward looking crowd. With everyone around looking up, it was hard, if not impossible to find the culprit who started looking up at the chimney. 

All of a sudden, there was unrest amongst the crowd. I took a glance at the chimney. Something seemed to be happening. Black smoke emerged from the chimney, as the crown yelped in disappointment. I was confused. Why was everyone looking up to the chimney with black smoke coming out of it? 

I kept walking around, trying to figure out the situation. There had to be something more than met the eye. I bumped into countless cameras and news crews. None of them seemed to be there to interview me, which I found strange. Very strange. Why else would they be here?

I kept walking around, trying to figure out who started this mass fool making joke. At times even I was tempted to look up at the chimney, just out of pressure and curiosity. This joke had been taken too far.

Just then, white smoke emerged from the chimney. The people went berserk. Why would the crowd cheer on plain white smoke? I later saw what they were actually cheering. A stout man with a huge megaphone walked out. He was saying something, but I couldn’t quite hear what he was saying. I rushed towards this man, who was starting to get more familiar with every step I took in his direction.

It then struck me. This beach ball, a bunch of kids were playing with within the crowd. Come on parents, watch your children in such large crowds. Anyway, I recognised the man with the megaphone. Who was he you ask? Oh, you didn’t? I’ll tell you anyway. He was none other than television personality Papyrus Roacha! How exciting no? You had to be there!

I managed to finally hear what he was saying. He told everyone that they were victim to a mass prank on their popular TV show, MeTV Pope-ut. Everything now made sense. The cameras were not interested in me because they were shooting footage for the show. I’m sure I made it to the final edit though. I am now waiting to see myself on the show.

So, that’s that. The city is once again safe. No one is looking up at the sky, unless they are cursing the bird that just pooed in their coffee. All’s normal again.

This is SuperCraig signing out, reminding you parents again; Please take care of your kids, especially in crowded areas. If they get lost, then you’ll call me only. Make my life a little easier, no? Deal?

Also, please note, I do not mean to hurt the religious sentiments of anyone, not that there are any obvious references to any religion in my post. Take it as a joke and move on. I do that everyday when i look in the mirror.

Slime is a 5 letter word

It was a rainy day in the middle of the monsoons. The kind of weather you would want to stay in bed and sleep for '10 minutes' more. But as we all know. '10 minutes' is never 10 minutes and evil never sleeps. This greatly angers superheroes like me, who love their ’10 minutes more’ sleep more than anything (well, almost anything).
Knowing this fact, the then prevalent evil in the city decided that this was the best time to strike. Hence, during the monsoons we saw the evils of potholes, dirty clothes, leaky roofs, stolen umbrellas and not to forget the most feared of them all, wet underwear. But this monsoon was different. Apart from the water proof undies, we saw the return of Slimeball. Now for those of you who have not subscribed to the Know Your Villain weekly, here is a brief about him (nothing to do with the water proof undies).

Slimeball was born in a well to do family and was the only child. As he grew up, he discovered a knack for making slime out of anything. He landed a dream job with the global slime giants Goop Industries, (who ironically slipped their way to the top) which ended up being a dead end job extracting slime from snails. This pushed him toward the evil side. Today he is one of the most feared villains in the world and has even shared the top spot with The Joker at one time. Today he resides in his two room flat with his two dogs and 1022 snails (and counting) which he rescued from Goop Industries one snail a day.

Now getting back to the problem at hand, the city suffered from major traffic jams every time it rained. No, it was not your regular traffic jam. These jams were caused by a red substance. (No! it was not real jam) On closer inspection of the substance in question and days of analysis at the lab, it was determined that the substance was definitely slime. No one but the infamous Slimeball could be behind this. By some ingenious method, Slimeball was able to add gelatin to the rain which caused it to become slime once it hit the ground. This slime, due to its thickness, would not flow down the drains and would remain on the roads causing the traffic jams.
I had to catch this slimeball Slimeball and put him behind bars for good. The city could not afford to suffer any more traffic jams. I remembered I came across a fellow superhero a few days back and decided to give her a call. Let’s face it; we superheroes need to stick together. So drawing a plan with Double S, we set out to get our hands on that no good slimeball.
“How should we go about catching this fellow?” I asked. “May be we should follow the slime trail. It should lead us to Slime HQ,” replied Double S. Such brilliance from such a young superhero. I see good things in her future. Anyway, getting back to the topic, we started following the trail of slime. It lead us to a television studio. Now, being a little camera shy, I was hesitant going in at first, but I had to find this Slimeball. I stepped into the studio walking closely behind Double S. What I saw in there blew my mind. It was the studio in which the popular dance show ‘So you think you can dance’ was shot in. They were shooting a show as we entered. We followed the slime trail to one of the dancers changing room.
“That’s strange,” said Double S. “Could one of the dancers be Slimeball?” Being a huge fan of the show, I had not missed a single episode. It struck me, that a dancer named ‘Slides Alot’, one of the best dancers on the show, bore a striking resemblance to Slimeball. Even his dance involved a lot of quick yet smooth sliding on the floors. As we spoke, we heard the host announce his name “Give it up for Slides”, she said. We ran to the stage, but Slides, errr.. I mean Slimeball was on the other side of the stage. He recognized me from across the stage and made a run for it. Double S and I decided to give him the chase. Not realizing that we were running across the stage, we suddenly heard a roar from the audience. The judges looked as us and said “So you think you can dance?” My stage fright combined with my camera shyness was all of a sudden overcome and I yelled, “No! I don’t think I can dance!” Now it was difficult to lose Slimeball, thanks to his slimy tracks. We ran and were quickly behind him. But just at that moment, the rain started to pour and the slime started to build on the roads, making it nearly impossible to run. Slimeball lived to see another day.
Finally getting back home and into come clean clothes, Double S and I sat to rethink our plan. The weather report said we were in for some heavy showers the next morning. Knowing that the weather reports are always wrong, we decided to go after the slimeball in the morning. Rightly so, the sun was shining brightly, bright enough to have to apply sunscreen before going out in the sun. (Hey! A superhero also needs to take care of his looks ok!) Knowing his weakness for suffering snails, we decided to lure him with a ‘Snail sale’. I will not lie to you, business was slow but only till Slimeball visited our sale. After selling him every snail (and covering our costs), we decided to confront him. “So Slimeball, we meet again”. Slimeball replied in his shrill voice, “Oh no! It’s you again Double S.” “Ahem ahem,” I cleared my throat. “Oh SuperCraig, didn’t see you there,” he said.
He made a run for it. But within 2 minutes, the sun had dried him out. “That’s what happens when you don’t wear sunscreen,” I thought to myself. He was a wrinkled statue, and would remain that way till he got to soak up enough of water. We carried him to the nearest jail and locked him up in a room. Not taking any chances, we added a dehumidifier for good measure.
Satisfied with a job well done, we decided to celebrate. However, it started raining once again. Slimeball had planted some gelatin just before coming to buy the snails. For the last time, the city was faced with slime on the roads. Just then an idea came to me. I made some quick calls and within a few minutes, a number of helicopters were hovering around the city dropping sugar and flavor on the roads. This mixed with the slime made a delicious jelly, which the citizens of the city enjoyed! The city was saved once again by SuperCraig. But of course, I wouldn’t have done it without Double S.How did Slimeball manage to spread the gelatin across the city without anyone noticing you ask? Well, years later we discovered that he cleverly added gelatin to beetle leaves. Thanks to the number of people spitting out their paan on the roads the gelatin was spread all over the city. Kinda gross, now that you think about it.
This is SuperCraig saying bye for now, reminding you that a donut without u is don’t.

Die another day

Firstly, sorry for making you wait so long for my next adventure. I was trying to figure out for so long what was wrong with my PC, but only just realized, that it wasn’t plugged in.

So any-hooo... perhaps the most notable adventure in the past few months would have to be my tiff with the one and only ‘K-Woman’ (or just K to make it easier to type). I am sure most of you haven’t even heard of this K, but let me tell you, it wasn’t a kake walk. Damn! Her effects are still showing. If you have not figured out her power as yet, read on. Even if you have figured it out, read on.

K loved to create havoc among the masses by screwing up spellings of normal words by including ‘k’ in it. May not seem like much, but believe me, it could turn into a nightmare, as I recently figured out.

The city seemed normal for a hot winter’s day. The muscular men with their tight sleeveless tops, non muscular men as well. However, I did notice something. A new AA center opened up just around the corner. I contemplated going, but decided against it. Contrary to what ‘Over-exaggerating boy’ says, I am not an alcoholic. It was disturbing to see so many people flock to the new place on the first day of its opening, all looking so weak, so fragile. Oh well, serves them right.

The city was devoid of any trouble for the next few weeks, so I regretfully tell you; I turned to the bottle to keep my busy. But after a week of drinking myself to sleep, I realized I needed to change. No good was coming from this habit. So I decided to check out the AA center. While casually passing the place, I noticed the people coming out. They all looked stronger, smarter and taller. I said, “Hey! I could do with some strength, increased brain power and definitely some height!” I decided to give it a shot

The next day, while casually walking past the AA center, I quickly changed direction and entered. Yes I was ashamed what I had become. When I went in I saw happy people, full of energy. They were playing basketball, riding cycles, doing their homework in record time. I was amazed. I had to join this place. So I went in for one of their sessions. The woman conducting the session was awfully familiar. I remembered her from the chemist. She was placing an abnormally large order for something. I distinctly remember her telling me, “It’s for the kids at the school”. I couldn’t remember what she bought. Anyway, sitting through the session I got out enlightened. But I still went home trying to remember what that woman bought at the chemist.

The next day, I went there 5 minutes before the session. I had to stand in the long line. But I was sure it would be totally worth it. While entering the center, I was handed a glass of a brown liquid. “Weird”, I thought as I took the glass in my hand and walked inside. Everyone there was gulping it down. I asked one of the guys there what was in the glass. He looked at me and said, “Who cares, it’s magical!!”

I walked outside and took a closer look at the sign over the entrance. It said “Enter”. I looked around and to the side of the door it said, ‘Alco-horlicks Anonymous’. It call came rushing back to me like the crowd entering the train at Dadar during peak hours. The woman was ordering 72 packs of Horlicks at the chemist. And then I recalled, she signed the receipt as ‘K-Woman’. It all added up now. She was building an army for herself right under Our Noses. Our Noses was a store on the first floor catering to the fake nose market. (This was surprisingly a huge market thanks to the late MJ)

It all made sense. The people in the center, playing basketball, cycling and doing their homework in record time was due to the brown liquid. The Horlicks!! I thought I would go into the session and midway reveal her plan to her unknowing victims.

As I entered, I noticed a weird stare from her. Thinking I had a Horlicks moustache I started wiping my upper lip. I looked back up and she was gone. All the doors and windows were locked from the outside. I was trapped in this room with about a hundred people who had been drinking Horlicks everyday for over a month. I had to get out and stop her. But how?

I yelled out, “Is there any one in here named Will?” One guy raised his hand. And just as I thought, right behind him, was a way. A way out. Running through the small passage way, I came out, and just in time, K was rushing to her bike. Just as she was about to ride away, I reached out to the bike ignition key and turned it off.

“So K-Woman, we meet again,” I said, with my hands on my hips. “Who are you again?” she replied. She was obviously playing dumb. I explained to her how I came to know of her evil plan. She replied, “Oh! You were here to stop me? I was running because I saw a man with a police uniform come in.” But then she explained what she was really doing, and she was not as evil as I thought. She was much worse! She was giving out the Horlicks not mixed in milk, but in water!! (Yuck!)

Not on my watch missy. It wasn’t enough that she was building an army of people without their knowledge, she gave them a sub standard drink. Below standard actually. But she did cure them from their alcoholism, which was a good thing. Now, come to think of it, she wasn’t that bad after all. I decided to let her off and give her another chance. Who knows, she may come to my rescue in the future. You remember the lion and the mouse don’t you?

I took over the ‘Alco-horlicks Anonymous’ from under Our Noses and turned it into an organization that gave underprivileged kids doses of Horlicks. We still catered to alcoholics who wanted to turn over a new leaf.

The End.

PS: This in no way is a promotion for Horlicks. None of the effects of Horlicks mentioned here are proven. Horlicks was chosen as it fit in perfectly, nothing else.

I also hope you haven’t turned to alcohol after reading this post.

Umm..What was i going to call this?

Alright, its time for yet another post. Only this time its different. Welcome to the world of computer generated adventure of SuperCraig. Note i was forced to tone down on the special effects for this one. The muscles however, are real.

All characters in the comic below are purely fictional. Alright.. may be not all... but at least the door, clock and phones are.
So here goes, the first edition of the SuperCraig comics...




In case you were wondering, the breakfast did get cold.
Hope the title makes sense now.

This is SuperCraig signing out, reminding you not to be silly like me and run out before having your breakfast. It is the most important meal of the day you know.

History lesson: The Hi-Five

No, this is not a SuperCraig post. I hear a few of you disappointed, but most of you are happy! Today is a history lesson, read on to find out more:

We have all done it at some point of time. Most of us still do it. I am talking about the hi-five or more commonly known as the high five. We do it when we agree with someone, crack a good joke, (or a bad one) at work, at home, while playing sports; the hi-five has made its way deviously into our everyday lives.

Has anyone ever wondered how this global phenomenon started in the first place? Here’s what happened…I think. We take a look back (way back) to the time the first organism was formed. You must be thinking that there were no humans at the time. Well, you are right. But evidence found suggests that unicellular organisms like amoeba, even before figuring out they could split to multiply, hi-fived each other. Of course, it was not called a hi-five at that time. In fact, it had no name! We are talking about unicellular organisms, remember? But anyway, in today’s time, we don’t refer to it as a hi-five, but just a ‘high’.

The hi-five, then disappeared from the face of the earth, but only for a few hundred million years. We fast forward to the prehistoric times where early man were just forming societies, making new friends and asking out the opposite sex to a cup of coffee since splitting a person into two didn’t seem to work now! Getting back to the topic, the hi-five at that time wasn’t the hi-five we all know and love now. Back then, the hi-five was used to check whose hands and fingers were longer. However, since there was no soap back then, germs spread quickly through the constant hand contact, causing catastrophic diseases like gooey substances from the nose, rashes and dirty hands. The hi-five went on yet another break. Prehistoric men then started trying to see which one if their hands were bigger and started hi-fiving themselves. This is when the clap (or the self-five) was introduced into the human society. But that’s another story for another day.

So getting back to the topic…again, as man evolved he started inventing stuff. However, the first hi-five that paved the way for hi-fives to be used as it is today was after the invention of the wheel. Yes-sir-ee! The hi-five that we all know and love today has a round piece of stone with a hole in the middle to thank.

Since then the popularity of the hi-five has grown many fold (Figure 1). However, groups of people started playing around with the hi-five for no apparent reason. Why would you mess with something so perfect? Today, we see many variations of the hi-five like: the double handed hi-five (hi-ten), the low-five, the double handed low-five (low-ten), behind the back, across the chest, etc. the list goes on. But even with these adaptations, the hi-five remains the most used.

Figure 1: Popularity of the Hi-Five

The hi-fives have been doing a lot of advertising as well. In recent times popular TV show How I Met Your Mother makes a lot of references to the hi-five. Borat too, in his movie ‘Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan’ make a lot of use of the hi-five, sometimes even forcefully asking for one.

With the way the hi-five is gaining popularity, who knows, it may one day become today’s handshake.

For those of you who don’t know how to hi-five here are a few simple steps to follow:

1. Locate a potential hi-fiver.
2. Approach with a good joke or a simple ‘Hey! What’s up?’
3. Lift arm in a way that your palm faces target hi-fiver.
4. Wait for target hi-fiver to do the same.
5. Swing arm forward in such a way, that your palm lines up with the targets.
6. Make sure you make firm contact with the targets palm, or you will look pretty silly and everyone will know its your first time.

Tips for a good hi-five:

1. Keep constant eye contact.
2. Do not put too much force in the swing. We don’t want to hurt people.
3. Do it with good intent, not just to look cool.

Pretty damsel and the chocolate moment!

I never thought that day would ever come. The secret villain organisation known only as ASS (Association of Sneaky Scoundrels) had figured out what I thought was the best way to cause destruction and mayhem among the unsuspecting citizens. The one thing that no one could ever resist. DONUTS! I mean come on, they are round, and topped or filled with flavours, one better than the other. Eat them cold, warm, dunk them in your coffee, for breakfast, lunch or dinner, there’s nothing like it. So what’s the relation between ASS and donuts? Well firstly, if you eat too many of them, yours is bound to get big.

The villain organisation, ASS had gone out poisoning all the donuts with some weird gas they only knew as FART (Fatal Aroma Raising-hell Technique). This gas, as disgusting as it sounds, was a hundred times more disgusting than that. Our scientists at the labs (those who were fortunate enough to survive) tell us that the gas starts off smelling fragrant and inviting. But after a certain amount of time, turns into the most foul smelling disgustingly obnoxious green gas. This gas, when inhaled even in the slightest concentrations could cause people to make faces, point fingers to each other or even close their noses with their fingers. Ok enough of this science mumbo jumbo.

Getting back to the day, I woke up and thought, what better way to start the day than with a donut (or two…may be even four)? So off I went to the store, 30 minutes before it even opened. Thirty minutes later, I was not the only person outside the shop. The shutters finally opened and the sweet smell of freshly made donuts made everyone weak in the knees.

Everyone rushed in leaving me at the back of the lineL. But it was alright. I knew I was going to get some sweet donuts at the end of it. Patiently waiting my turn I looked towards the counter. I tell you my friends. It was at that moment I fell in love. The girl in front of me started yelling, “New flavour! New flavour!” “What? When? Why?” I thought. I looked over her shoulder and there I saw it. Triple Trouble was its name. Chocolate on top, in the middle and under the donut! Pure genius! (Let me remind you of the laws of Donuts. Law 1: You can never have too much chocolate on your donut.)

But by the time I reached the counter, they were all gone. But the girl in front of me the kindest soul offered me one. She bought one and got one free! While biting into the donut, I noticed a funky smell around. Gulping down the rest of it I looked around and saw people closing their noses, pointing blame on each other for the horrible smell.

This had FART gas written all over it. Luckily I carry my anti-FART spray, which I carry in my pocket. You never know when you will need it. I sprayed the entire area with it and every thing was back to normal. But what about the rest of the FART filled donuts? Well I ate them. They smell bad but still taste awesome! (Yes all of them!)

Ahh, after that awesome breakfast, I decided to walk back to the liar. Obviously coz I could not fly with all the donuts I had just eaten. Just then, my super hearing told me someone was in danger. And right enough, a few meters away was a damsel in distress yelling out for help. At once, I knew it was the same kind soul who gave me her donut. I knew it from the chocolate drenched clothes. (The triple trouble was so filled with chocolate that it was humanly impossible to eat it without getting chocolate on your clothes)

Something told me there was some problem with her chappal. May be it was a broken strap or heel. “You are so smart. How did you know it was my chappal? And how did you know it was a broken strap?” she said. With a smile on my face I replied, “No one would stand in the middle of the road with their chappal in their hand shouting for help.”

“You truly are super, SuperCraig!”, she said. But I was not going to let this damsel suffer anymore. I would have carried her and flown her to her destination. But as you recall I had more than a tummy full of donuts. With some quick thinking I managed to craft out a chappal from the left over tissues from the donut place. But a few steps later I needed to fix that as well. Something told me I needed to quick fix the original chappal…but how?! I decided to look into my utility belt. (If batman can have one, so can I)

Paper clip, safety pin, chappal strap…. Just then it hit me. I could make something out of the paper clip and the safety pin. A twist of the wire here, and the bend of a wire there. And voila! A contraption to poke holes in her foot! Ohh wait! What if I used the safety pin to hold the strap to the chappal? Genius I thought to myself! Poke of the pin there, poke of the pin there, puncture in the thumb and voila again! The chappal was a good as new.

Another day saved thanks to SuperCraig!

This is SuperCraig signing out, reminding you to always dot your ‘I’s and cross your ‘t’s!